Daryl Davis never set out to persuade hundreds of white nationalists to give up their allegiances to organizations propagating racial hate like the KKK.
It kind of just happened.
Davis, a Black blues pianist whose life's work was chronicled in the documentary film "Accidental Curiosity," grew up confused how white people could hate someone like him, a man they didn't even know. That confusion turned to outright curiosity after a white man came up to him after one of his shows and told him he never knew a Black musician could sound like Jerry Lee Lewis.
What came next was a 30-year journey to understand what drove KKK members to hold the beliefs they do.
That desire to understand led to something remarkable: Davis convinced nearly 200 of those members to renounce their affiliations.
How?
“Racists are so used to being combative, especially with someone they oppose, like me,” he said. “They’re not expecting me to listen to them. …They would expect me to fight, but I’m saying: Tell me more."
Davis's strategy, which is probably not the right word given how pure his intentions were, has something to teach us about the power of listening.
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Think about a time when you felt deeply listened to.
What were some of the things that the person you were speaking with did to make you feel that way?
Amanda Ripley, whose book "High Conflict" details how we find ourselves in conflict and how to get ourselves out, says that the best listeners, those who train for years to make people feel heard, do something that the rest of us need to steal.
"Most of us do not feel heard much of the time. That's because most people don't know how to listen," she writes.
Turns out there's a way to listen, a method for doing so that leads others to feel like they're being heard.
Called looping for understanding, the tactic has three steps, according to mediation experts Gary Friedman and Robert Mnookin:
1) Listen for what's most important to the speaker -- this might mean the use of strong language, an expression of strong emotions while speaking, or a shift in body language.
2) Play it back -- distill what you heard the person say that seemed important to them. Don't play it back word for word like a robot, but instead, summarize it in your own words.
3) Check for understanding -- ask, "Is that right?" You'll be surprised at how many times you're close, but need another shot to actually understand the speaker's point.
Turns out what Davis was doing with KKK members was looping for understanding, making them feel heard and in doing so built the trust necessary to begin challenging what they believed.
What does this look like for us?
Let's think about who we need to loop for understanding with, what situations we need to do this in, and how to make sure it happens.
Here's how:
Who: Who, both personally or professionally, can I practice looping for understanding with?
What: What can I do to ensure that I'm doing this with everyone and not just the people it is easy for me to do it with?
How: How can I build in time to intentionally do this during my week and to reflect at the end of the week about what impact I saw, what went well, and what I could improve?
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Just like Davis was able to do with grand wizards in the KKK, the impact of showing you're listening is profound.
"When people do feel heard, magical things happen. They acknowledge their own inconsistencies. Willingly. They become more flexible," Ripley writes in "High Conflict." "The conflict is healthy."
Sounds like a world I'd like to live in.
What a refreshing, simple reminder to take a deep breath and allow ourselves to be in the moment.